July 5th-11th Doggy Horoscopes
This is going to be a great week for you and your pup, full of luck and good fortune! Take them to the bodega to buy a lottery ticket and they will distract the clerk so you can take as many tickets as you can before the clerk catches you, and you will have more chances to win!
Your Aries pup will start barking in the same corner of your living room every night at 8:47PM. It’s for sure a ghost but don’t worry, it’s not one of the bad ones. I think…
Hey, you said you wanted more dogs, right? Well, Taurus dogs are very sensual and when you see your Taurus pup make bedroom eyes at the poodle across the street, leave them alone and perhaps you might get your wish.
Gemini dogs love to find ways to express themselves. Set an easel in the living room and watch as they make you a masterpiece (or eat the paint which, now that I think about it, isn’t good so, maybe give them another way to express their creativity).
Cancer is the sign of the crab. Just for fun, give your Cancer doggo some crab as a snack! Could be fun (just not too much crab because crab has high levels of sodium, but they can get a little, as a treat).
Your Leo puppy will set something on fire this week. What you may ask? I don’t know, just make sure there aren’t any lit candles around.
You might be wondering why there are tracks of mud and debris near the door every morning. Install cameras by those doors this week and you will see that your Virgo dog is actually your neighborhood’s Batman and solving crimes by night and cuddling with you by day (or he’s just rolling around in mud again and being gross).
Take your Libra pup out to dinner this week! If the restaurant doesn’t allow dogs, sue them for all they have! Become rich when you win and you will solve all of your problems!
Your Scorpio dog is going head to head with Logan Paul in the ring this week! Watch them knock Logan unconscious! Your dog rules!
Gasp! Your Sagittarius dog is actually Nicholas Cage! Stop him before he steals the Declaration of Independence again!!
Your Capricorn canine will ask you to take them to Portland, Oregon this week. If you don’t make that happen, something really really bad is going to happen.
Your Aquarius puppy is going to seem really out of it this week by staring at the wall for hours or following their tail in a circle. They aren’t possessed or anything, they just got into your partner’s collection of extoic mushrooms they bought on Etsy.
Your Pisces pup is the wisest entity in your household and can definitely be the leader of a cult. If you ever wanted to start a cult, this week is you and your pup’s time to shine.