This week is going to be a ruff week for your pups. Be prepared to shower them with love, affection, and a trust fund.
Aries: You might want to check the puppy cam in your house because your Aries pup might be confusing the pillow your great-grandmother made in the 1940s as a new romantic-friend. If you know what I mean...
Taurus: Your Taurus buddy is celebrating the one-year anniversary of Phoebe Bridgers’ Punisher this week. Get ready to curl up on the couch with skeleton inspired clothing, eating out of the carton of vanilla ice cream, and crying while staring at the stars at 3 in the morning thinking about the complexities of life.
Gemini: Your Gemini pet is pissed that you bought almond butter instead of peanut butter. What did peanuts do to you?? Go back and buy some Skippy or you will feel their canine wrath.
Cancer: Your Cancer dog is feeling naughty this week. Don’t be surprised if you find some socks missing, some shoes destroyed, or romantic texts you didn’t send to that barista you are too scared to ask out. Hey, maybe your pup will get you back in the dating game! Congrats.
Leo: Your Leo dog is extra brave this week when they go to the vet without any fight. Well, maybe a small one, but it won’t be as bad as the last time when you had to buy an expensive lawyer to represent you in court because of what your dog did when they ran out of your car and collided with the 92-year-old mayor of your time and sent him to the hospital leading to a lawsuit.
Virgo: Your Virgo doggy has always been one with nature. So, when they come back covered in sticky mud, don’t clean them up, roll around in sticky mud too! Now, your pup won’t feel so self conscious.
Libra: Libras like to feel pretty and this week, your Libra pup will feel anything but pretty. Make sure to remind them that they are the most gorgeous pup on the block! Buy them new clothes and hire RuPaul to walk them so your pet can feel extra glamorous.
Scorpio: Whatever you do, do not remind your Scorpio fur-baby that Robin Williams isn’t with us anymore. So, watch Flubber and forget.
Sagittarius: You love your Sagittarius doggy and we love your Sagittarius doggy, but they can be very lazy. Make sure you keep them on their feet by going on more walks, playing frisbee, or forcing them to climb Mt. Everest so they can become the second dog to climb a mountain of that size. That would make your family epic and not lazy in the slightest.
Capricorn: Your Capricorn pet is very patient this week, mostly when your partner brings in a litter of kittens from the neighbors. Soon, your dog will become a parent to these adorable little kittens and do an excellent job. Much better than your own mother...
Aquarius: Aquarius dogs want things done their way and their way only. If they want to watch the extended version of The Lord of the Rings trilogy all weekend even though it’s the weekend of your sister’s wedding that you weren’t sure would happen before she beat breast cancer last month. Too bad, you have to watch Frodo do his thing with your dog. Sorry, it’s in the stars.
Pisces: I have something amazing to share about your Pisces pet. They are the reincarnation of your third cousin, Rhonda. I know, crazy.